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Moving On

As hard as it is to come to terms with, I realize that my talent alone cannot carry this site, though I’ll never quite understand that…

Aside from what I feel is already a first-rate staff, I’d love to give others with my passion an outlet for their work and, personally knowing the satisfaction that it brings – as crazy as that may sound to those of you not blessed/cursed with the “gift” of pen to paper – the pride of having it seen by others.

If this passion burns inside of you – alright, I’ll cut the schmaltzy hogwash – if you dig writing and want a chance to put it out there, drop me a line and we’ll see what comes of it. (KMFPthe@gmail.com)

 

Moving On – by Anonymous

I always feel a need to explain myself to others when I say that I don’t have a relationship with my mother. She used to be a raging alcoholic, but now she is a highly functioning one. I know that this isn’t who she really is and that addictions take over the ones we love the most.

JH1It is a very disheartening process and it unfortunately strikes many people.

Recently, I have cut her out of my life in the most complete way. It wasn’t mean and not a lot of words were exchanged, but it feels like my soul released toxins from itself. My anxiety is at an all-time low and I am a much happier person.

Compared to my siblings, my mother and I barely had a relationship. It was the best it had been for us since I was a pre-teen… before she started drinking again. I am not sure why it is different, but I am glad. I am truly happy that my siblings have a different relationship with her and their kids know their grandmother.

I would never want the situation reversed, no matter how many tears have fallen. She did a lot of terrible things before this, but the purpose of my writing isn’t to tell you how terrible she can and has been. It is to know that it is ok to let toxic people go, even if they are your family.

You are the only person who can truly make yourself happy, don’t let others get you down – NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE!

When I was in college, my mother would call me screaming about random terrible things. This was a time before I had the strength to not answer when she called me. The want and need to have a relationship with my mother pulled tightly at my heart, so I answered almost every time. It usually didn’t go well. I would fall back into a deep depression after every phone call.

My life felt like one step forward and two steps back. I wouldn’t speak to her off and on for various reasons, most had to do with her actions. The internal need to feel loved by her felt like gravity and I would fight it, but the instinct would win each time. It was a high feeling when she would show me love, like I couldn’t get enough of it.

She, of course, knew it.

I eventually became icy when I was around her, even when things were good. It was my only defense against her when she became cruel. If she couldn’t read my emotions, then she wouldn’t know how to hurt me.

The screaming phone calls came less and less and things were better for a time. When I would tell her something positive in my life, she would take over the phone call about her “Glory Days” and run over my positive news. I took those types of call over the ones we previously exchanged.

JH2I wanted her to get healthy so bad that I offered her help in every aspect of her life that was negative. She hated her house, so I offered to help fix it up on numerous occasions. Felt ugly because of wardrobe, so I offered to buy her new clothes. The list goes on and on.

She was always immediately excited, but once we got to the store to get paint or Kohl’s to buy something new, she wanted to wait for some unknown reason. I finally stopped asking and offering, because I didn’t think she really wanted change. It was either scary or she wouldn’t have anything to complain about.

The only ammunition my mother had left to hurt me was my relationship with my siblings.

I honestly didn’t know that there was anything left she could hurt me with, but I left myself wide open. It was a shock and a surprise when she got in the middle of us and used manipulation, it destroyed me completely.

For two weeks I had crippling anxiety and slipped into a deep depression. It had been years since I allowed her to do that to me.

Yes, “allowed”, because I have control of how I react to events and what events I will take part in.

My mother refused to tell them the truth and tried to turn the events on me, this was the point of no return for me. It wasn’t a breaking point, because it wasn’t climactic at all. It was as though something fell off of me and I realized that she can’t hurt me anymore.

No amount of hitting, screaming, guilting, manipulating, or any type of abuse can hurt me anymore. She played her very last hand and it was over, finally over!

I don’t wish my mother any ill will or hope something bad happens to her. I will always love her, but it has to be from afar. I honestly hope that she quits drinking and starts making positive life choices for herself.

JH3I wish her the best and I hope that she forgives herself for the horrific things she has done throughout her life, not just to me, but to a lot of people. I wish her a peaceful mind and a wonderful life, even though I do not ever wish to be in it again.

It has taken a few years of therapy to know that I am worthy of love and that I can walk away from any toxic situation or relationship. I used to be mad at the world for what my mother put me through – I didn’t want to live like that anymore.

It turned my life from thinking negative all of the time to positive. I am complimented each day for how positive I am and how I live my life to the fullest.

I am not perfect, but I try to be a better person each and every day.

 

(Other “Be My Guest” column ARCHIVES: http://www.thekmfp.com/category/be-my-guest/)

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