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“Conversations With Mother” – Crapberry


Written by – Heili Flammable  (PROFILE/BIO:

We’re out at a benefit over the weekend and Mom gets her phone out and places it on the table.

Me: (under my breath) Put that thing away before anyone sees it!

CB1Mom: What?  We’re in loud restaurant (restaurant/bar).  No is going to care if I have my phone out.

Me: No, not that.  You don’t want anyone to see that embarrassing thing.

A Lady at our table: Oh, what is that tiny little phone?

Me: (to Mom) See?  (to the lady) It’s 2001 calling us saying, “Hey, Deb, NO ONE has a ‘Crapberry’ anymore!  Time to upgrade!

Mom: My lovely daughter here tells me that I shouldn’t let anyone know that I still have this God awful thing.

A Friend of Ours at the Table: She’s right!

Mom: Ha-ha!  I use to like it, but lately I have to admit it does suck.

The lady at the table: I think it’s cute.  I just couldn’t see the screen, it’s so tiny.  I have a (she starts pulling out her flat-screen television-size cellphone) Samsung Galaxy.

Mom: Oh!  That’s nice!  Yea, I was just looking at my brother’s phone, he has a new iPhone, and they look so nice, but I get so lost on the suckers.  It was late one night and he fell asleep, so I tried to quietly put his phone up for him and I hit a button and got the stupid flashlight stuck on by accident.

Well then I got it turned into a flashing strobe light and then a beeping flashing strobe light.

Then it starts playing music.  I’m in the kitchen, trying not to wake him up, cursing at the son-of-a-bitch and next thing you know I hear a click.  I turn the phone over and I see my face in the screen.

Then I hear another click.  I see another image of my face in the screen.

Before you know it, there are SEVENTEEN TINY PICTURES OF MY FACE ALL LINED UP ALL OVER HIS FREAKIN’ SCREEN!  I’m in there yelling, “You son-of-a-bitch!  Knock it off

The kitchen is flashing like a rave with the flashlight blinking on and off and the music playing and the camera snapping and I just keep thinking, “Oh, my God!  Every time that clicks it’s probably sending the pic to someone!

By the time it was over, I had 58-pictures total; of my entire screaming face, my partial screaming face, my nostrils, my eyeball, the floor, my feet, the ceiling,…

Me: …I know, I was like, “PLLLLLEEEEEASSSSEEEEE Tell me there was a video feature AND that you didn’t figure out how to delete them!

Mom: Oh, you’re damn right I did!  If it was the last thing I did I was going to destroy that damn phone or the evidence…whichever came first.

Me: I was like, “If ONLY she had uploaded them to The Cloud!  She’d be Famous!!!

Mom: I don’t even know what The Cloud is, but I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had.

CB2Me: ….and now you can see why she has a Blackberry.  …and also why “we” ordered her an iPhone.

We just need to go pick it up at our earliest convenience, any time this week (I look at Mom with the cheesiest smile ever.  She returns the look with a look that could kill).





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