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About the KMFP

Writing is an art.

That’s right dammit; I said it, “an art”.

If some hipster douche bag can throw shit on a canvas or some protesting fuck-wad can burn a flag and call it “art”, ANY writing can be labeled the same.

AKMFP1Just like music, film, painting or poetry, writing is subjective, widely defined and, in the right circumstance or niche, can be supremely rewarding to both reader and writer. is my niche, the niche of speaking the way people speak.  It’s the niche of dick jokes and crude sexual innuendo that, contrary to the belief of some, is a part of our daily lives.

I make no excuses for being the “every-man”, my KMFP-eople.

There’s something out there for everybody.  Somebody paid Toby Keith to write that awful fucking “Solo Cup” song and people have been drooling over da Vinci’s shitty, overrated “Mona Lisa” for years.

There’s an audience out there for everybody.  Anybody with a pen, paper, keyboard or ball of shit rolled up in toilet paper and the bathroom wall to smear it on can perform the “art” of writing.  Again, it’s part of the beauty.

The husband who pens a “roses are red” rip-off on his wife’s birthday card is a writer.

The Facebook poster opining on political issues is a writer.

And the basement-dwelling, 30-year old shit-bag, who feigns toughness, confidence and attractiveness, all while tearing down anything anybody else writes from behind a dusty monitor in a soiled pair of 3-day skivvies, is a writer – albeit, a pathetic one.

A beautiful writer is another story…

A beautiful writer “can make you dizzy, like you’ve been drinking Jack and Coke all morning.  They can make you feel high full of the single greatest commodity known to man – promise.  Promise of a better day.  Promise of a greater hope.  Promise of a new tomorrow.  This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful writer.  In their smile, in their soul, the way they make every rotten little thing about life seem like it’s going to be okay”.

And a beautiful writer can hijack that entire fucking paragraph from the movie “Beautiful Girls” with the majority of you out there none the wiser until they admit it.  Because the great writer’s mind will roam at the drop of a hat and keep you on edge, wondering where the hell it’ll be going next.

AKMFP3While often a curse at the office, or when desperately seeking those precious 3-hours of sleep, their mind is a wandering nomad of ideas and absolutely grand potential, when harnessed correctly and finally finding the right outlet.

A wandering mind is never short of opinions or topics, which is the hardest thing about writing.  I could write 13-columns/day, if I had the time to do so and, I shit you not, I’m not exaggerating in the slightest.

This is child’s play to me.

My otherwise frightening mind is teeming with constant activity, delusion and grand expectations.

Writing has been my freedom from things that have driven weaker men to very dark places of the world or the other end of a rope or revolver.

Writing – FOR me – has saved many a coworker, commuter and neighbor – FROM me.

…and, most importantly, it has saved ME from me.

Writing is my world and the rest of you just play in it.  A great writer not only plays to their audience, but delivers their audience – if only for 10-goddamned minutes – from the rut of an office, houseful of screaming kids or the bottom of a liquor bottle, to a place far, far away.

It can be the breathtaking vista of a land you’ll never physically see, or the broken glass – and broken dreams – of a heroin den, in the darkest parts of your own city, just miles up the road – but you’re there…and I’ve taken you there.

I could write you a poem that would make you think I was the most romantic man on this planet and that any woman graced by my presence was pampered with attention, gifts and admiration.

I could write you a “dyed in the wool” recap of the latest sporting event that took place, so detailed that you could recount it to your coworker the next day, and lie to say you’d actually been there, just like approximately 750-thousand people did after Game-6 of the 2011-World Series.

AKMFP2And then, I could turn around and write you the most vile and blasphemous piece of hateful shit you’ve ever laid your eyes on – and were embarrassed to have even done so – that would have you appalled at the revelation that I actually raise and coach children.

In the hands of a great writer, the adult mind becomes that of a child, going in whichever direction we decide to pull it.

Great writing is power.

Great writing is mimicry, pageantry and, most frequently…fear.

Fear of the unknown, the untested and the unrealized.  Fear of failure and fear of rejection.

I’m a great fucking writer.  Get over the insecurity I’ve hidden with arrogance and admit that you were moved by one little iota of what you’ve just read and you’ll realize it’s the truth.

It’s the truth to me, and to those who’ve followed me, and that’s true enough…KMFP-out!

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